Monday, March 1, 2010

Searching

There are certain points in my life, emphasized usually with depression and anxiousness, where I really seem to lose myself.
I'm going through one of those times right now. I recognize the loneliness, even though I'm surrounded by family and friends. The alienation from things I normally identify with. I come back to the old truth that there really is nowhere where I truly belong, as wonderful as my situation is. Rationally, I realize that my life is wonderful. I have a son whom I would die for, who fills my life with meaning and happiness. I have a husband who loves me and stays by my side. I have a roomy house, surrounded by animals, work to do and a little time for myself. Yes there are stresses (money!) and frustration (livestock!) but my life is overall very good.

However I can't internalize that fact. No matter what my husband does I keep thinking he really doesn't love me or want to spend time with me. I keep thinking that the only reason my son loves me is because i feed him, and that any old person would do. I keep thinking my life would be so much better if.... (and here I fantasize about some romanticized version of another life in another situation.)
These are not rational thoughts, and I know this. It doesn't stop me from alienating myself though. From believing, deep down in my soul, that I'm doing some thing wrong. That I'm somehow not living my life.

And I change my life somehow. Quit my job. Move. Take up a new hobby. Some sort of change, to help me find myself. So that I can think "maybe THIS is what I should be doing with my life." But eventually I get disenchanted with that as well and go back to my perpetual existential crisis.

This leads me to wonder, can I ever truly be content with my life? Will this feeling of separation and loneliness ever go away? What do I need to do to change, really, change for good? Not just change my position or circumstance, but change the true core problem that keeps me from living my life, fully integrated.

Change, true change, come and ground me.

3 comments:

  1. Talk to me, if you want. I have an answer to explore, but I don't know if you really want to discuss it with me or not. Let me know if you do. :)

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  2. I love your honesty! When I start feeling like that, I try to remember that the darkness is as revelatory as the light. You know yourself better than someone who has not had to struggle with this. Remember that what you are going through is just that-- something you are passing through. It's a process, not a place you are stuck. It's a hard road, but a true one. The going gets easier. :)

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