Saturday, July 31, 2010
I'm just feeling kind of depressed right now. There are just so many frustrations I have about my current situation... not about my life in general... I'm pretty solid about my life in general, at least as solid as I've ever been... but about this play, going to Kansas City, etc... It seems as if I'm not contributing to this play as well as I would like, my presence seems to be hard for everyone to accept... to my sister, I am just another burden, to my host I am just another expense, to his girlfriend I am just another energy drain as she is the designated babysitter. To my son, I am absent too much, in my own mind I'm not getting out enough, to the rest of the cast I want to do too much (since they have been here a while and just want to sleep at this point whereas I have only been here 2 1/2 days). It just seems as if this is the day where no one is satisfied, and I'm left just wishing I didn't have to deal with anyone, that I drove myself down and paid for my own lodgings and had a baby that magically was fine with going to fringe shows. :p It makes me wonder how in the world I thought that this was something I could pull off? I hate being a burden to others, but at the same time if I weren't a burden, then ALL I would be doing all day was watching my son, an enjoyable activity in itself but certainly not why I came to Kansas City. Right now, I just want to get back to my husband and our farm where I know that I am loved and accepted even if it's not a very exciting life.
Friday, July 30, 2010
I'm writing from Kansas City, Missouri, where my sister's theater troupe, SHARDS, is performing a play. I have quite a prominent role in the play, and am onstage most of the time, although pretty much everyone has a large role due to our small cast. I am having a good time, although there are mixed feelings involved. Mostly, I wish I was young and unattached and less, well, pregnant, so that I could go to a million shows and still have energy, and network with other actors and hang out with them after the performances. I wish I didn't have to spend so much time away from my son. I wish my husband could be here so that I could share the experience with him. I wish I were doing my own show instead of acting in my sister's show.
But the fact is, I don't belong in this world, and this saddens me quite a bit. To be honest with myself, I don't think I'm that great of an actress. I mean, I do alright, but I don't have whatever it takes to truly be a great actress. I do the best that I can and I'm always improving, and I genuinely enjoy doing it, but in an environment which separates the great from the mediocre, I'm definitely on the mediocre side. Also, I've realized, my networking skills are horrible. I guess it's gotten worse since I've been cooking this little bean in my womb, because that tends to make me more emotional and introspective, more inward-focused, whereas a good networker needs to be outward-focused. And I just can't relate to these people, not even on the superficial level. Geeky, yes I am, but not in the same way. Fun-loving, yes I am, but not in the same way. I just can't come up with jokes or clever things to say on the spur of the moment and my life situation makes me less able to relate to a more immature and spontaneous crowd. In other words, I feel old.
Yet, I need theater, in the same way that I need spring to come after a long winter. I need to be creative in an extroverted way. I need to collaborate, I need to write, I need to think, I need to perform, I need to be caught up in the music and motion and verbiage. But I will never be fully immersed, as I would need to be in order to thrive in a theatrical setting. I'll never fully belong because I'm just too different. How many actors/actresses are mothers of 2? How many live on a farm? How many pay no attention to pop culture? Is this a sort of high-school type thing that I'm just supposed to outgrow and I'm not (and therefore stunting my growth as a person)? If so, what else am I supposed to do? I can't just quit writing plays, acting in plays, admiring theater, wishing I could express myself as well as some of my more advanced comrades. If this is holding me back, then why do I feel myself expanding as I write, as I perform?
*sigh* Just another dilemma that I don't expect to solve anytime soon.