Saturday, July 31, 2010

Down

I'm just feeling kind of depressed right now. There are just so many frustrations I have about my current situation... not about my life in general... I'm pretty solid about my life in general, at least as solid as I've ever been... but about this play, going to Kansas City, etc... It seems as if I'm not contributing to this play as well as I would like, my presence seems to be hard for everyone to accept... to my sister, I am just another burden, to my host I am just another expense, to his girlfriend I am just another energy drain as she is the designated babysitter. To my son, I am absent too much, in my own mind I'm not getting out enough, to the rest of the cast I want to do too much (since they have been here a while and just want to sleep at this point whereas I have only been here 2 1/2 days). It just seems as if this is the day where no one is satisfied, and I'm left just wishing I didn't have to deal with anyone, that I drove myself down and paid for my own lodgings and had a baby that magically was fine with going to fringe shows. :p It makes me wonder how in the world I thought that this was something I could pull off? I hate being a burden to others, but at the same time if I weren't a burden, then ALL I would be doing all day was watching my son, an enjoyable activity in itself but certainly not why I came to Kansas City. Right now, I just want to get back to my husband and our farm where I know that I am loved and accepted even if it's not a very exciting life.

5 comments:

  1. Hi there-

    oh my, you poor thing. I think you are really home-sick :-(

    give it some time, you have a place in this play - try and make it work.

    love to you
    gail
    peace and hope.....

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  2. Judge not a book by its cover.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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  3. I think all new endeavors make us feel this way at first. The doubt (and depression) kick in.

    You're making your life more full and that sometimes feels like too much work. But growth comes out of it. There will be something, connections, new experiences and joy that you'll experience. Depression does have another side. You'll see it.

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  4. thank you for all your kind words :) later in the day i got my chance to relax and enjoy the experience, and then go home with that experience in mind. :)

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