Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Being a Stay At Home Mom

I really dislike being dependent.

At age 12, I started really resenting the fact that I was so dependent on my parents. I wanted to be as independent as possible, but became surly over the fact that I couldn't drive, couldn't live on my own, couldn't be hired to work, etc... As a homeschooler, I was already pretty much in charge of my own education, or at least I wasn't being micromanaged when it came to school. That responsibility made me happy. I just wished I could be entrusted with more decisions in my own life. This attitude lasted all through high school up until I moved out of my parent's house.

Now, I'm facing the same sort of resentment, and I'm really trying not to let it get to me. I'm a stay-at-home mom, which means I'm depending on my husband to provide financially for me while he is depending on me to watch our son, farm, and house.

I love being a stay-at-home mom! I love the independence that comes from setting my own hours, work schedule, and pace. I love the feeling of accomplishment when I get a big project done despite a toddler running around and trying to ruin my efforts, and I love the flexibility of being able to take a trip to the grocery store or library on MY schedule. When I worked outside the home, I was miserable. I was micromanaged and I didn't get along well with my managers. I thought I did a good job and I certainly wasn't slacking, but I felt constantly watched, criticized, and judged. Often, I felt like expectations weren't clear and I therefore couldn't live up to them. Being a stay-at-home mom is a lot like homeschooling, I can get what I need to get done and not worry about the things that inevitably don't get done.

However, I really dislike the fact that I don't get paid for it! It rubs me the wrong way to have to ask my husband to pay for something. I hate asking for "his money" and I hate just taking "his money." And he hates it too! I know he feels like he has to constantly evaluate my purchases because he doesn't trust me to spend his money wisely. It's a big fat thorn in my dream job. And I'm not sure how to fix it, either. Hopefully, the farm will become prosperous enough to provide me with a little money of my own. Or, after the kids have grown a little, I could get a part time job or a home-based business. Or, my husband could just learn to TRUST me with OUR money... but I'm not sure if that will ever happen.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Evening Loneliness

For some reason, lately in the evenings after I put my son to bed, I've been hit with a pretty substantial bout of loneliness. Sometimes I'll cuddle with my husband, but I still feel lonely. Intimacy doesn't quite seem as intimate as I would like, these days. I'm not sure what to do about it, because we have a great relationship with a good deal of cuddling, sex, and just playing around. He definitely does need his alone time, and with a demanding toddler, husband, and animals I should really be relishing my alone time as well. I just seem to crave something else.
Perhaps female companionship. I haven't really been tight with my friends lately. I can't ever find someone who I really connect with. But I lack the energy to drive somewhere and go "out" although it's probably what I need.

Monday, October 4, 2010


Set on fire, her dress rustles in the wind, the color of a brilliant sunset. Bold brazen red, inviting a kiss, painted on her lips. Her sister waits, a sensual tugging of her leaves, tiger-orange, painting stripes as she flutters coyly.

Next to her, in honey-gold, a sweet, demure promise whispers through the gathering. Branches blossoming with majestic jewelry, she flicks her wrist, her arm-bands glinting with the color of the sun... reflected, and mirrored, on her slender arms.

Standing in the back, a little shyly, young and modest, her gown remains a cool shade of green, brown tinting the edges, waving hesitently, eagerly. She waits, coloring the shadows with her rosy blush.

They laugh, a soft, whispery laugh, voices joined together by the chill wind, enlivening their dance. A ballroom, regal gowns and fluttering jewelry. Dressed in their finest, a marvelous celebration. Time to change, the sun is setting. Time to change, put down your pitchfork. Time to change, time to play.

She unfastens her necklace, throws it on the ground. Flutter, a brilliant streak of red, then brown. She casts off her jewelry, a brilliant sunset melting beyond the horizon. Gleefully, she tosses aside her golden yellow scarf, her bonfire-inspiring dress. The dance floor becomes a bed, filled with bright metallic gowns, shadowy green and brown undergarments. Wild abandon, they dance in the rush of the wind, the stark blue chill of the sky, naked branches lovely and vulnerable.

Naked, they celebrate. Finery forgotten, they sway to their own music, waving their naked limbs with carefree joy. A shiver in the cold, a titillating laugh stretching from root to tip. Nude, rough skin becoming one with the earth, settling into the background, drifting off into slumber. Time to change, come play with us, in the beautiful dance of Autumn.