Friday, July 30, 2010

Mixed Feelings in KC

Hi y'all
I'm writing from Kansas City, Missouri, where my sister's theater troupe, SHARDS, is performing a play. I have quite a prominent role in the play, and am onstage most of the time, although pretty much everyone has a large role due to our small cast. I am having a good time, although there are mixed feelings involved. Mostly, I wish I was young and unattached and less, well, pregnant, so that I could go to a million shows and still have energy, and network with other actors and hang out with them after the performances. I wish I didn't have to spend so much time away from my son. I wish my husband could be here so that I could share the experience with him. I wish I were doing my own show instead of acting in my sister's show.

But the fact is, I don't belong in this world, and this saddens me quite a bit. To be honest with myself, I don't think I'm that great of an actress. I mean, I do alright, but I don't have whatever it takes to truly be a great actress. I do the best that I can and I'm always improving, and I genuinely enjoy doing it, but in an environment which separates the great from the mediocre, I'm definitely on the mediocre side. Also, I've realized, my networking skills are horrible. I guess it's gotten worse since I've been cooking this little bean in my womb, because that tends to make me more emotional and introspective, more inward-focused, whereas a good networker needs to be outward-focused. And I just can't relate to these people, not even on the superficial level. Geeky, yes I am, but not in the same way. Fun-loving, yes I am, but not in the same way. I just can't come up with jokes or clever things to say on the spur of the moment and my life situation makes me less able to relate to a more immature and spontaneous crowd. In other words, I feel old.

Yet, I need theater, in the same way that I need spring to come after a long winter. I need to be creative in an extroverted way. I need to collaborate, I need to write, I need to think, I need to perform, I need to be caught up in the music and motion and verbiage. But I will never be fully immersed, as I would need to be in order to thrive in a theatrical setting. I'll never fully belong because I'm just too different. How many actors/actresses are mothers of 2? How many live on a farm? How many pay no attention to pop culture? Is this a sort of high-school type thing that I'm just supposed to outgrow and I'm not (and therefore stunting my growth as a person)? If so, what else am I supposed to do? I can't just quit writing plays, acting in plays, admiring theater, wishing I could express myself as well as some of my more advanced comrades. If this is holding me back, then why do I feel myself expanding as I write, as I perform?

*sigh* Just another dilemma that I don't expect to solve anytime soon.

3 comments:

  1. HI my young, wise friend

    Pregnant? Congratulations. :-)

    Being in a play with your sister sounds so fun. And I am glad to hear that you do have some things that you wish could be different. One of the things that amazed me about you was your certainty - an it is good for all of us to wonder what might or could have been. I say this with all due respect and admiration. I am facing an MS healing challenge these days, one step at a time.

    Love to you
    Gail
    peace and hope.....

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  2. thank you gail :) and i had to smile at your describing my 'certainty'... in my mind, i'm the most uncertain people i can imagine! i really have no clue how the world works and how i fit into it, if indeed i do at all. but i'm learning. haha, slowly

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  3. Hi again-

    you always express yourself with certainty about life, with such wisdom way beyond your tender years. But I hear ya - :-)

    love to you
    Gail
    peace and hope.....

    ReplyDelete