So I keep having this fear that my marriage will fail. In January, I married a man whom I had been living with for 3 years, we are madly in love, I am having his baby, we bought a house together, everything seems hunky-dory. However he has been married and divorced before, and he is 18 years older than me. He claims that he was never really in love with his first wife, he just got married because there was social pressure to do that, and she was a cool person until she had kids. Then she "completely changed" and it all went downhill from there. Understandably, I have the fear that once I have a kid, I will "completely change" and things will not work out between us. I can't promise that I will never change. I consider myself a constantly changing person, and even the simple fact of my falling in love with him has changed me WAY more than I ever thought possible. In a good, or bad way? I don't know. All I know is, I'm not the same person now that I was when I first fell in love with the guy.
I am still increasingly amazed at how much being in love has changed me. My priorities are all wacky. I used to be very much a "tough girl," outwardly confident with a limitless amount of energy. Inwardly, I have (and probably always will have) self esteem issues and struggle with depression. I used to focus very heavily on martial arts, physical fitness, my art, and writing. Now it seems I lack a lot of motivation for being physically active and things that used to seem so important are just kind of fall-back hobbies for when I get bored. But the most disturbing thing is, I've become DEPENDENT. Dependent on my husband to show affection, and horrifically sensitive to his moods. Sometimes if he comes home after a bad day at work I'll get very depressed and even cry just because of the simple fact that he is feeling bad. I don't even want to go into what my life is like if he is sick! Early on in the relationship, I've even considered breaking up with him JUST BECAUSE I was changing way too much for my own comfort, and wondering if being so intensely into a relationship was just "not who I am." I mean, why should I let any guy define my life, my personality? Or is this shift in priorities and attitudes a natural and healthy thing that happens to us all as we grow up?
And now I'm bringing a baby into this world. I'm assuming I'll love this baby like I've never loved anything else, and that my behaviors, attitudes, and personality will once again shift. But IS THIS HEALTHY? Is such an intense, all-consuming love for another human being a perfectly healthy thing, or does it represent a departure from the self, a mere fulfilling of the role of "mother" or "wife"? Can I truly maintain my own distinct personality while harboring such intense love for both my husband and my child? Or do I become even more immersed in the other people in my life, so much so that I completely change into the woman I DON'T want to be? Will I forever be dependent on these other people to make my life meaningful?
Regardless, I'm in this boat, now I have to paddle it. There's no going back, and I have no wish to. I'm very happy with the decisions I've made in this life. However there's a definite concern as to what kind of person I will be when this child does come, and as he's growing up, and after he becomes more independent. I'm assuming my life will be drastically different, but will I still be me?