Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Is Love Healthy?

So I keep having this fear that my marriage will fail. In January, I married a man whom I had been living with for 3 years, we are madly in love, I am having his baby, we bought a house together, everything seems hunky-dory. However he has been married and divorced before, and he is 18 years older than me. He claims that he was never really in love with his first wife, he just got married because there was social pressure to do that, and she was a cool person until she had kids. Then she "completely changed" and it all went downhill from there. Understandably, I have the fear that once I have a kid, I will "completely change" and things will not work out between us. I can't promise that I will never change. I consider myself a constantly changing person, and even the simple fact of my falling in love with him has changed me WAY more than I ever thought possible. In a good, or bad way? I don't know. All I know is, I'm not the same person now that I was when I first fell in love with the guy.

I am still increasingly amazed at how much being in love has changed me. My priorities are all wacky. I used to be very much a "tough girl," outwardly confident with a limitless amount of energy. Inwardly, I have (and probably always will have) self esteem issues and struggle with depression. I used to focus very heavily on martial arts, physical fitness, my art, and writing. Now it seems I lack a lot of motivation for being physically active and things that used to seem so important are just kind of fall-back hobbies for when I get bored. But the most disturbing thing is, I've become DEPENDENT. Dependent on my husband to show affection, and horrifically sensitive to his moods. Sometimes if he comes home after a bad day at work I'll get very depressed and even cry just because of the simple fact that he is feeling bad. I don't even want to go into what my life is like if he is sick! Early on in the relationship, I've even considered breaking up with him JUST BECAUSE I was changing way too much for my own comfort, and wondering if being so intensely into a relationship was just "not who I am." I mean, why should I let any guy define my life, my personality? Or is this shift in priorities and attitudes a natural and healthy thing that happens to us all as we grow up?

And now I'm bringing a baby into this world. I'm assuming I'll love this baby like I've never loved anything else, and that my behaviors, attitudes, and personality will once again shift. But IS THIS HEALTHY? Is such an intense, all-consuming love for another human being a perfectly healthy thing, or does it represent a departure from the self, a mere fulfilling of the role of "mother" or "wife"? Can I truly maintain my own distinct personality while harboring such intense love for both my husband and my child? Or do I become even more immersed in the other people in my life, so much so that I completely change into the woman I DON'T want to be? Will I forever be dependent on these other people to make my life meaningful?

Regardless, I'm in this boat, now I have to paddle it. There's no going back, and I have no wish to. I'm very happy with the decisions I've made in this life. However there's a definite concern as to what kind of person I will be when this child does come, and as he's growing up, and after he becomes more independent. I'm assuming my life will be drastically different, but will I still be me?


  1. Love is a blessing. Marital Love is not healthy to the individual, because that was not what it was designed to do. It is healthy for the connection of two souls. When you are loyal to one, and they are loyal to you, in love, truly the soul must be piqued in health. (In my opinion) that is what humans were made to become- connected.
    When a human is isolated, it takes a span of mere hours before the brain starts to shut down. When a human is in love, the brain activity is comparable to a person high on drugs. Connections make one "alive."

    Yet, it comes with a price. Loyalty is one of the only virtues that (no matter how many times you are hurt) binds you to the thing that hurts you. You are tied by Loyalty to something- whether they hurt or heal you.

    I've found that most people disappoint you. Something always happens that breaks relationships. But Loyalty is what can save you, despite the hurt. If both partners in a marriage are loyal (to both their partner and the marriage) a lot of heartache is saved.

    Since you are joined together, and made the commitment to stay together, no amount of "changing" should be able to separate you two. Hopefully nothing will ever separate you two. I can't promise that your marriage won't end, or that you are not becoming someone your teenage self would have hated, but I believe you have become a beautiful woman and, from some beautiful mix of you and Chris, you have managed to create a beautiful new creature: Taevyn.

    Love you!!

  2. agreed. :) Being pregnant has made me realize exactly how much of my individual self has been altered... when you're pregnant, you aren't just an individual but literally 2 people. :P I think being a mom is about the most selfless thing there is to be... and I'm kind of freaking out about it. I will never just be "me" again but also be part of something larger... which is ultimately why I chose the life I did. :) I've had my time to be selfish- now I want something more fulfilling than that. But I'm still freaking out about it. :P

  3. Yeah, I'm sorta dealing with the opposite effect- I've been kinda putting aside my "individual self" for the sake of being a student and worker. I'm slightly regretting that decision, because I am now at the point where I can't do any of those activities anymore, due to lack of time. But I regret what I did not do, and that is why a part of me wants to take a semester off. I want to travel, and do theatre, and dance, etc...
    It was weird to have that realization--- after years of wanting to skip that part of my life and go straight to being a wife and mother, I suddenly got really protective of it. But I don't know what to do about it now...
    And I don't know how to advise you, really, because that same part of me wonders how you could give that up. (I know why, but I am baffled sometimes by it nonetheless)

  4. Yep, as am I. Baffled, I mean. :P Well living for yourself just gets empty after a while. But I do think it's an important step to take, because otherwise you're resentful of all your "missed opportunities." Personally, I think it's perfectly fine to take a semester or so off, as long as it doesn't mess up your long term plans. Ultimately you have to do what is fulfilling to you as a person- not necessarily what would be the most fun or exciting, or what everyone else tells you is right for you.

  5. I'm worried, though, that even taking time off wouldn't help- because I'd have to work full time. Have I missed my opportunities? Or, do I just have to wait until after school to get them?

    BTW, you are still you to me. :)

  6. depends. as an adult you'll always have to schedule hobbies etc... around work, school, families, etc... you're always going to be doing "responsible" stuff full time, whether you split it between school and work or just work or whatever. however it's easier, for example, to do martial arts and work than martial arts, work, and school. add in a relationship, and martial arts (or insert other hobby here) often takes a backseat.
    school didn't work out for me because it wasn't taking me where i wanted to go with my life. if you know what you want career-wise, then i wouldn't take a break. you'd just end up stressed out because all the bills would come out to haunt you. but if you need time to cess out your true feelings, i would, because there's no use in following a path unless you want to get to where it leads. :P
    few people get to just do whatever with their time. and if they do, it's because they either don't care about the consequences or they've worked their ass off to get there. :P
    and i am still me. :) i wouldn't be me unless i'm having an identity crisis. (lol ironic much)

  7. I am contemplating a theatre major with a creative writing minor. It would take two years to complete. Your thoughts?

  8. it sounds like the classes would be really fun. :) it depends on what you intend to do with it. teach theater? costuming? write plays? act? how would your career pay for the necessary schooling? (or is the schooling really necessary?) if acting is your goal, would it be worthwhile to actually major in theater and get a degree vs. practical experience through a theater company etc...? if you want to teach theater, getting a major would be a grand idea, but you said you wanted to kind of "try it out" before you decide that's something you want to do... have you decided that's something you would love doing? as for playwriting, that's something you don't need a major to do and it's not likely to pay off the required schooling. (or even the grocery bills) costuming would be a lovely career choice for you, and you could also find non-theater work for a good sewer. (probably) but that wouldn't really be a "theater" major type thing...

    so it really all depends on what you hope to accomplish by it...

  9. Playwriting and Costuming mostly, with teaching thrown in to boot if I find out I like it. :)

  10. My advice? Don't ever lose your honesty with who you are, what you're about, and where you want this life to take you. If you can do that, then no matter what happens with you and your hubby, or with your children, you will feel good about following a path you know in your gut to be true. Hang on to your gut, your intuition...let it be your guide....


  11. I felt compelled to come back and tell you that my husband is 16 years older than I, and that we got married when I was 23...

    Just sayin....
    : )