Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Rainstorm

Today I did something I rarely do, but enjoy a lot when I do it... I sat outside in the rain. I didn't get wet, because I was under the porch, so I sat out there for a while, simply watching the rain.
I had just come back from doing farm chores, and I was vaguely irritated at the thunder storm for interrupting my plans to go on a walk. In fact, this whole day I've been irritated and crabby, but as I sat and watched the rain slowly build from a trickle to a downpour, I felt myself calm down.
The rain listens only to the simple, unassuming rhythm of its own pattern.
The clouds simply drift, purposeful despite their lack of control, wherever the wind directs them.
The thunder and lightning herald the imminent chaos of the storm, lending percussion to its gentle symphony.
Meanwhile, a wall of rain pours indiscriminately over everything, heedless of its effect.
Yet the green grass, the dark, rich brown tree trunks and green tree leaves, all become more vivid and alive when seen through the veil of water.

My senses are unwittingly soothed by the rhythmic performance of mother nature. I realize that the reason I've been so irritated throughout the day is because I've been bothered by my lack of control pertaining to the pregnancy. I thought it would be best and most convenient to have this baby as soon as possible. Yesterday I had contractions throughout the day and also other labor signs, and got myself all excited about it. And then the contractions stopped, and I woke up this morning still pregnant. I was pretty disappointed, especially when I didn't have any contractions at all today despite my best efforts to get things moving along.

I thought, wouldn't it be cool to have my baby born during a solar eclipse (tomorrow)? And, sometimes the pressure changes caused by storms send a woman into labor. So where is my labor???
All these thoughts and desires made me very disappointed and crabby today. But as I sat there watching the wall of water pouring down all around me, I realized that I was essentially trying to control and impose my desires on a state of being that was never intended to be controlled.

In these modern times, mankind tries to impose as much control as possible on the pregnant woman. Doctor visits are scheduled, and incremental tests of abdominal measurements, ultrasounds, growth patterns of the fetus, the woman's weight, gestational age, pregnancy symptoms, and due date are all carefully monitored and compared against the "norm" to determine when, where, how, and sometimes if, the baby will be born. C-sections are regularly scheduled around people's vacation time, inductions are performed before a woman is even overdue, and routine interventions are, well, routine. :P Even in the "olden days" there was plenty of folklore giving the illusion that women could control when and how the baby was born.

This baby probably doesn't know when he's coming, but when the time is right, he will come. When my body is ready to give birth, it will. Pregnancy is the single least predictable life-changing event I have ever experienced. Thunder storms are more predictable to me, because I've at least experienced lots of thunder storms during my life and I can sometimes know what to look for. And yet, I can't do anything about whether or not it rains when I want it to. Why should I expect that I can do anything about when this baby gets here? At times it seems as if I am completely at the mercy of my own body- a feeling I don't especially like at all. I like to be able to control myself, to make plans and change them according to my will, not according to whether or not I'm throwing up, being "moody," able to think clearly, or in labor. Like the storm, the baby will probably just show up one day, heralded, or not, by other signs. My trying to speed things up isn't going to throw a wrench in nature's plans. Nature will simply do what she needs to do regardless of my wishes or efforts. And that's perfectly all right. My body was designed to be in control at this point in my life, not my head or my will. Like the clouds, nature has a purpose, although no real reason. And either way, the result will be spectacular. :)

1 comment:

  1. : )

    It appears that you have come to a really good perspective....